Claire is Gone
by MountainDreamer11
Summary: Claire's birthday rolls around, and Mac comes to the reality that she will never celebrate another one.


**I do not own any writes to CSI: NY. I am simply writing this for entertainment purposes only. No profit is made.**

_This takes place on the first birthday of Claire's, since she passed away. It was a quick story I wrote. I appreciate you taking your time to read this! _

May 23, 2002

He laid on his bed staring at the digital clock sitting on the nightstand. The blue numbers rearranged themselves from 11:59 to 12:00.

_May twenty-third_. Mac thought to himself. Curled up on the left side of the bed, Mac felt his body automatically turning over to engulf Claire in a hug. But on this day, there was no one to hug. The joy he felt in his chest turned to ice as he stared at the empty, cold blankets.

_She should be there. Dammit she should be there. _Mac screamed in his head. The reality had never really sunk in until now.

"Oh Claire. Why? Why? I miss you. I need you." He tried to scream, but it only came out as a whisper. He couldn't hold back anymore and the tears he had hidden for eight months spilled out. He punched the bed and broke down. Unable to control himself, he stood up and walked through his apartment to the kitchen full of conflicting emotion. His legs felt heavy from exhaustion and tried to drag him to the floor. His lungs felt as if someone was squeezing all the air out of them. His chest ached and a stabbing pain radiated outwards. His eyes poured out tears while his brain seemed to yell "STOP" to his entire body, but its effort was in vain. And finally, in his arms, there was rage. So much rage. The same thoughts went through his mind like speed skater skating around a track. Why did she go back into the building? She was safe, so why did she go back in?

Suddenly, the rage overtook his being as he walked past a vase of flowers on a table in his living room. He picked up the vase as chucked it to the ground as hard as he could, not even paying attention to the thousands of pieces it shattered into. Walking to his kitchen, he picked up a pile of books on his counter and threw them across the apartment. Then, as quickly as his rage started, came the pain. He cried for her. A life cut too short. A wonderful woman deserving of everything good. A beautiful person who would give up everything to help another. He curled up against his refrigerator and hugged himself, desperately trying to hold on for her. For her memory. For those she gave her life to save. As his exhaustion set in, he fell over onto the tile floor and slipped into a deep sleep.

_The sun was beginning to set and the sky had taken an orange tint. Mac sat on the park bench waiting for his beloved wife. He wore a black suit and tie. Walking toward him was Claire, dressed in a white ball gown, with sparkles, and silver jewelry. Mac looked up at her and smiled the biggest smile one could ever see. Looking at him, she walked toward the entrance to the dance hall, and stood patiently watching him. Mac stood and adjusted his tie. He took one step after another, only seeming to be moving further away. After what felt like forever, he reached her. He stopped just in front of her, stared deep into her eyes, and put his hand into her already extended hand. But as he touched her, his hand went straight through and she became a smoky cloud that vanished into nothing. Mac heard her scream repeatedly, but he could do nothing. _

Mac opened his eyes jumping up from the floor, and ran in circles until his mind realized that this scream was only his alarm clock. He walked into his bedroom, only vaguely aware of the sharp pain in his feet. He grabbed his clothes, and went to take a shower, only realizing that he was tracking blood everywhere when he began to undress. He looked at the red blood against his pearl white bathroom floor. Deciding to clean it later, he turned on the water and stood there for nearly an hour. The hot water dripped down his body, and cleared his mind for the time being. By the time he got dressed and bandaged his feet, it was nearly 6:45. Taking one last look at the mess on his floor, Mac decided to leave it until later. He had to get out of that apartment.

Arriving at the lab at 7:00, Mac was 30 minutes early for his shift on this particular day. He was almost always early though. And almost always late arriving home. Walking into the building, Mac headed towards the elevator. He was relieved that the elevator was empty; because he wasn't sure he could deal with being in close proximity to another person at the present moment. As the elevator doors opened at his appointed floor, Mac stepped off and walked towards the locker room. After a quick stop in there, he quickly walked to his office. He sat in his chair and sighed. He pulled out his personal planner from within one of his desk drawers, and flipped the page from May 22nd to May 23rd. He nearly lost it when he read what he had written down just 3 days before 9/11. He read that he was to take Claire to a Broadway show. He remembered that the tickets went on sale on the 28 of September. He was going to buy them and treat Claire to a wonderful birthday, but that never happened. Instead, she would never even live to see four sunrises from the day he made those plans. Mac sat back, and took out a picture of him and Claire from his wallet. Unbeknownst to him, Stella had arrived and stood watching him from outside his office. She knew what today was, and walked away to start off the day knowing that it was best to give Mac his space until later. She was close to Claire. Often, the two women would arrange days to wander the city together and talk about anything and everything. Stella smiled as she remembered the vibrant energy Claire always seemed to have, no matter the situation. Claire could stop a rainstorm with her smile. Back in Mac's office, Mac remembered where he was and pushed away his emotions. He had barely stood up when his phone rang.

"Taylor."

"Mac, we've got a possible homicide at the corner of 45th and 127th. From the looks of it, this case isn't going to be easy."

"Okay Flack. I'll get the team and meet you there."

Mac gathered the team and headed out.

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**12 hours later.**

It was 8:00pm and Mac couldn't take it anymore. The emotion he had been hiding all day was about to show and he could do nothing about it. Stella, noticing that Mac was not okay, suggested that he go home. Usually, Mac did not leave work so easily, but on this day, he was thankful for a chance to leave. He took off his lab coat, and walked to his office to retrieve his bag. He paused, and ripped off today's page from his planner. He folded it up and stuck it into his pocket. Quickly walking through the hall, Mac stepped into the elevator and left the lab. Stella secretly watched him. She couldn't imagine his pain, and silently vowed to go check on him the first chance she got.

Mac walked to a department store a few blocks from the lab. Inside, he bought matched and a candle. After purchasing these items, he walked to a florist to pick out some flowers. He got a multitude of different colored roses. Each color was to symbolize a piece of Claire. He bought 2 of each color. Mac then hailed a taxi to bring him to Ground Zero. At his destination, Mac walked up to the fence, knelt down, and put flowers next to the fence, He lit the candle and said a prayer. Opening his eyes, he looked at the scene and noticed another candle about fifty feet from him. He wondered who that candle was for. Mac then hailed a cab to take him to the church he used to attend with Claire. He sometimes still went, but he was usually at work during services. Walking inside, he sat at a pew in the middle of the Sanctuary. He read his favorite Psalm, and said another prayer. He remained in the church for some time. By the time he left, it was nearly 11:00pm. Still holding the other half of the flowers, Mac walked to a small park near the ocean. He and Claire often walked this walk after church, and then went to lunch, before returning home to spend the afternoon and evening together. Mac reminisced these times and smiled. For the first time since her death, Mac actually felt peace. Mac reached the park and walked over to the ocean. He sat on a park bench and suddenly felt his emotions return. As there was no one at the park at this late hour, Mac let his emotions run freely. He put his head in his hands and sobbed.

Meanwhile, Stella had left for the night and kept her vows. She knocked at Mac's door, only to be left standing there with no response. She used her spare key to open his door. She walked in and screamed upon seeing the mess of blood and glass. Fearing for Mac's life, she ran through the apartment searching everywhere for him. Realizing he was not there, Stella considered calling the rest of the team to conduct a search for him. Then remembering Mac telling her about his plans many months ago, Stella remembered that he was going to take Claire to a play on this night and most likely then walk through their favorite park. Locking his door, Stella ran to find a cab to bring him to where she desperately hoped Mac would be. She was shaking and scared. She honestly thought that she would find only his dead body lying on the ground. Getting out of the cab, she walked down the round pathway, guided by the lights in the park. She paused mid step when she noticed a figure sitting on a bench near the ocean. She recognized the particular stature of this man as Mac Taylor. She watched him sit completely still and wondered what he was thinking. She walked slowly and quietly over to him, giving him space. As she got closer to Mac, she heard him sobbing and her heart broke. She wanted to break down and cry, but she couldn't because she had to be strong for him. Yes, she was close to Claire, but this was Mac's time to cry. This was her time to be strong for him.

Mac must have heard her and noticed it was Stella because he shuffled over to let her sit down.

"I miss her, Stel."

"I know Mac. But she would want you to be happy."

"Yeah, She would probably tell me that 'You live longer once you realize that any time being spent unhappy is wasted'. That's what she always told me when I came home unhappy after a bad day. But it's so hard Stel. It's too hard to move on. I don't want to forget her. I just want to heal this hole in my life. I need her Stel. I always will."

"I know Mac. I know. One day, you will heal. The pain won't ever go away completely, but you will heal."

"Thank you Stella."

"Anytime Mac."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Mac stood up, and walked to the ocean. He threw the flowers in one by one. Stella watched. Then, Mac took out his plans for this day made back in September. _Sometimes we must hold onto the pain and the reminders in order for us to let it go._ He thought to himself. He threw the paper into the ocean and watched it drift away with the flowers. He leaned on the railing and looked up at the city lights reflecting on the waves. In front of him was a whole ocean of possibilities. _Claire, wherever you are, I will never forget. Happy Birthday my beloved. _Mac thought. Stella approached him and put her arm around him. He put his arm around her and the stood in silence. At that moment, she was all he needed. A friend who understood. A friend who would let you be your weakest.

"Thank you Stella. I don't know if I could've made it through without you."

"You could do it without me. I know you could. You are stronger than you think Mac. I think Claire would be proud of you."

The stood there for an hour, just in each other's presence. Sometimes a friend is all you need to see the light in the darkness.

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Thank you so much for reading this! I hope to upload more stories more often! This is just a quick idea I had while re-watching some episodes from season 3, I believe. (It may have been season one though.) I know that some of the facts are off…

I don't know Claire's birthday.

I don't know the exact layout of NYC or where any of them live in relation to the layout of NYC.

There are some plot holes, but this was just a quick story.

Mac never takes time off work, I just felt that he needed to for the sake of this story. Even though he only left early, it is uncharacteristic of him.

Finally, God Bless all those who lost their lives on 9/11, and all those affected. Never Forget.


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